At first light, it appeared this shift and entry point into my heartfelt spiritual life, one filled with vulnerability, visibility and complete transparency, was dark and deeply personal and it started me on a lifelong explorative journey that continues to this day. One that was going to require me to walk until it felt like home and even when it did, to keep walking. This fall was not my destruction, it was my re-birth and provided I could find some light in the dark, no matter how small, everything would always be ok. The key was, to keep finding the light in the dark for you cannot have one without the other. I had believed for so long that there was an external enemy attacking me, when in truth, I was attacking myself. What I created was destroying me, but maybe it was meant to. I was being invited to transform by repeatedly needing to surrender to myself, which later proved to be an act of surrendering to a power much greater than myself and to finally let go of my defenses. This was a fall into humility and fall I did.
Had I unsuccessfully not yet navigated out of the pain from my past, or had I successfully buried myself deeper into something that was not going to be so forgiving or as naturally unfolding as I had anticipated? I was certainly far from understanding myself and the meaning for my behaviour was not always clear. Was it a harmless paradox intended to puzzle me? One where I felt superior to my challenges by virtue of numbing them and denying them, though inferior to them on the account of my submission to them and invested interest and emotions in them? Or was it the last attempt for refinement of my soul, where acts of rebellion become self-revelation and perceived problems become prophecy?
I became wise enough to know that I was not able to do this on my own and quickly learnt how to be humble enough to know that I needed a higher power and intelligence, a state of consciousness far greater than the one I was currently exuding, to take over and shift me in ways that I was not able to do on my own. I had come as far as I could in what seemed to be a journey I was travelling alone, and now it was time to search for a deeper meaning that could only be found in a higher presence, power and rooted in a deeper sense of purpose. The deeper my call, the higher the response and I did not want complicated any longer … I needed simple and honest. This was one of many moments, moments of impact that were going to change everything and as the walk down this path gradually progressed, it became soulful and I became soul-full. What I believed was my fall from grace, was actually my rise into [God’s] Grace.
This journey began, overflowing in lust for cheap thrills and fleeting moments of pleasure and whilst its foundation was build on substances, it ironically lacked substance.
The greater the upward call to riser higher I continued to hear became, it was matched with a powerful downward craving, appetite and attachment to a false savior and protector I believed I had found in the external world, and from that, I could not escape in my own strength. This journey may have begun in chaos, but it ended absorbed by and embodied in unconditional love, peace, forgiveness, hope, faith and grace and above all, a calmness of spirit that was, in the beginning quite foreign, yet was and still is, very freeing.